Jan Fowler is a TV producer/host, national speaker, and award-winning columnist on senior topics.  She is both widowed and divorced, has done considerable dating, and enjoys discussing the serious relationship she now shares with a gentleman whom she met in a ballroom dance class at a senior citizens’ center.
Look for her new television show, “The Jan Fowler Show for Baby Boomers & Others” which will be nationally syndicated beginning in January.  The show will focus on  topics of interest for those approaching retirement, including current events about the future of social security, healthcare, retirement benefits, etc. After November 20, you may order Jan’s new book, Hot Chocolate for Seniors, featuring more than 100 heartwarming, humorous, inspiring stories–including real-life stories about senior love and romance–from hotchocolateforseniors.com.

This month’s topic:  “A New Year, a New Beginning!”

A new year.  A new beginning.  How lucky we are!  The new year always opens the door to a fresh start, renewed hope, and provides us the chance to set new goals or remind ourselves of the endless possibilities that still lie ahead for our lives.

Time to drop the fear of failure and not be afraid to move forward.  But a fresh start does require putting the past behind us.  So let’s close that door firmly on the old year.  Look forward, not backward.  To stay in balance, we must forget about the setbacks and failures of yesterday and instead boast a positive shining winning attitude, full of positive expectancy.   Because we should never never never give up on the hope of finding love and romance again! It happens all the time.

After all, Marilyn met Larry while checking her mail in the lobby of the apartment building where he lived on the seventh floor and she on the fourth.  Amanda met Will at a forty-fifth high school reunion, and I met David in a waltz and rumba ballroom dance class on an ordinary Monday afternoon at a local Senior Center.

Could it be that all of us were open to the possibility of meeting someone new?  You know what I mean.  That we hung our “availability” shingle rather than our “no vacancy” sign on our foreheads?  Being open is an outlook and attitude which may need to be cultivated and practiced, you know.  It’s a way of connecting with another person, perhaps first with a casual smile and confident eye contact, then followed by light-hearted remarks, including good-natured humor if possible.

You might start by introducing yourself–first name only—and asking a simple question, e.g., “How do you happen to know…(here, you mention the host’s name if you met at a party)?” or “How long have you been coming to…(name the class you’re attending)?” or “How are you liking (again, name the activity you’re both participating in) so far?”  I remember asking David which dance—waltz or rumba–he liked the best.  It really doesn’t take much to make small talk, but you may want to hone your skills by practicing on total strangers in everyday places such as while waiting in a long line at the movies.

Even though school and work are among the most common meeting places, the Internet is buzzing with potential partners just waiting to fall in love with you.  Admittedly, it takes some effort to create an upbeat profile, post a recent photo, and weed out the “unsuitables”, but I nevertheless urge you to give it a try!  New dating sites are opening up all the time, so use bravado and switch to a new one if that’s what it takes to lift your spirits.  After all, Jerry and Donna, my dear friends who met online and discovered they only lived ten minutes apart from each other, are still as happy as can be after five years of marriage.

It’s a brand new year, folks, so please stay open to meeting your true love and never give up!

Jan Fowler is a TV producer/host, national speaker, and award-winning columnist on senior topics.  She is both widowed and divorced, has done considerable dating, and enjoys discussing the serious relationship she now shares with a gentleman whom she met in a ballroom dance class at a senior citizens’ center.
Look for her new television show, “The Jan Fowler Show for Baby Boomers & Others” which will be nationally syndicated beginning in January.  The show will focus on  topics of interest for those approaching retirement, including current events about the future of social security, healthcare, retirement benefits, etc. After November 20, you may order Jan’s new book, Hot Chocolate for Seniors, featuring more than 100 heartwarming, humorous, inspiring stories–including real-life stories about senior love and romance–from hotchocolateforseniors.com.

This month’s topic: “What ever happened to my high school sweetheart?”

By now, we’ve come to recognize the importance of remaining open to meeting new love everywhere we go.  Which means always looking our best, smiling at members of the opposite sex, making eye contact with strangers, and cheerfully replying to anyone who greets us.  Even taking advantage of the opportunity to strike up small talk or light conversation while waiting in line at the bank, check-out counter, or post office may send the signal that we just might be available to continue the conversation at another time, possibly over coffee.  And although many seniors have succeeded in finding romance and friendship via online dating services, I wonder how many have ever made the effort to reconnect with a hard-to-forget high school or college sweetheart.

In my new book, Hot Chocolate for Seniors, I devoted one entire chapter to senior love and romance and would now like to share one inspiring love story in hopes that it may give you new ideas about a fresh approach to seeking a loving mate.  This touching story excerpt is found in the chapter titled “Falling in Love Again”.  Do hope you enjoy…

Five Small Diamonds

by Myrna Lou Goldbaum

I remember the time I was working at a Colorado fair when an older gentleman approached me to ask if he could please have his palm read.  My poster, which read “SOUL MATE SPECIALIST,” had apparently caught his eye.  When we first began the reading, I could see that his first love had been twenty years old, but that it had never led to marriage.  He had offered, but she’d turned him down because he was about to leave for the service.  She feared he might not return home and refused to promise to wait.

His immediate response and reaction to my reading was an overwhelming “Yes!”  He quickly added, “Flying in a plane over Guadalcanal, I even carried her picture in my watch fob on a chain all through the war.  But when I returned home she had already married someone else.”

I continued my reading. “You were married at age twenty-seven and your marriage lasted fifty years, but you’ve been a widower now for about a year.”

Nodding, he asked, “And are you able to see the experience that I just had?”

Oh, yes.  I could see that his old flame had reappeared in his life once more, and also that something very wonderful was about to happen.  It was then that he began to relate his inspiring story.

As a Peoria, Illinois, native, he was an alumnus of Peoria High School and his alumni newsletter carried the announcement of his wife’s death.  His old girlfriend—the love of his youth who, by now, had lost her own mate four years earlier—read his name in the newsletter, then spent four months trying her best to track him down.  First, she called their high school, then the Chamber of Commerce, his relatives, as well as old Illinois friends.  At last, she was able to locate the brother of his best friend who explained that this gentleman was living in Colorado Springs.  She called Information and finally got his telephone number.

“I see that you have been in contact,” I said, adding, “and I see travel, plus a move in the near future.”

“Yes, she lives in Texas!” he excitedly explained.  “When she called me, I almost fell down.  She said she was lonely and invited me to her home, so I immediately went to see her the very next day!  We spent one wonderful week together and quickly rekindled our love.

“While we were out shopping at the mall one day, I managed to slip into a jewelry store while she was next door in a dress shop.  I asked to see engagement rings, so the storeowner pulled out two trays of assorted rings to show me.  Some were beautiful solitaires, while others were set with smaller diamonds.

“As soon as she came out of the dress shop, I called her into the jewelry store and proposed right there on the spot.  Well, she cried, I cried, the store owner cried, and all the sales clerks cried too.  We were so happy that they even snapped a picture of us to use in their ads.  When I told her she could choose any ring at all, she pushed the solitaire ring tray aside. ‘This one,’ she said, and pointed and smiled. “I’d like a simple ring with five small diamonds set in platinum.’

“It was not one of the more expensive rings on display so I was perplexed, and had to ask what made her decide to select that particular ring.  ‘It has five diamonds,’ she replied with a smile, ‘which will always represent the five decades when we missed being together.’

“So now I’m moving to Texas! I plan to take care of her for the rest of our days,” he said, beaming with excitement.

Myrna Lou Goldbaum is a master palmist years with sixty years’ experience reading forty-seven thousand palms. She is a teacher, coach, entertainer, TV producer-host of “Soul Mate Connections,” and author of May I See Your Hand?, Soul Mate Connections, and Diary of a Palm Reader.  (303) 651-6273.  www.myrnaloupalmistry.com or  hmg@privatei.com

Jan Fowler is a TV producer/host, national speaker, and award-winning columnist on senior topics.  She is both widowed and divorced, has done considerable dating, and enjoys discussing the serious relationship she now shares with a gentleman whom she met in a ballroom dance class at a senior citizens’ center.
Look for her new television show, “The Jan Fowler Show for Baby Boomers & Others” which will be nationally syndicated beginning in January.  The show will focus on  topics of interest for those approaching retirement, including current events about the future of social security, healthcare, retirement benefits, etc. After November 20, you may order Jan’s new book, Hot Chocolate for Seniors, featuring more than 100 heartwarming, humorous, inspiring stories–including real-life stories about senior love and romance–from hotchocolateforseniors.com.

This month’s topic:  One easy way of inviting a man or woman you’ve just met to give you a call.

Have you ever considered having some inexpensive business cards printed with your first name only, phone number, and possibly a cute logo of your favorite or special hobby?  Then doing what one nice-looking man did after talking while walking alongside me for a full three blocks from the outlying parking lot to the hospital lobby, where I was headed to visit a patient?

Just before nodding goodbye, he unexpectedly, but pleasantly, charmed and disarmed me by handing me such a card, saying “You know, I really enjoyed talking with you.  If you’d ever like to talk some more, please call me—I’d like that!”

He made his point.  And I was flattered.

We can often tell if someone we like also likes us. Think about it–it really doesn’t take long for sparks of chemistry to fly.

Just think of how many times we may have met a man or woman we’re attracted to at a senior dance, a country western dance, a ballroom dance class, a community event where we’re volunteering, or even while standing in a long line at the post office.  In fact, there are countless places where we might fall into casual conversation, including the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

I’ve often struck up a conversation with a handsome man while attending a free museum event, gallery opening, or community reception where punch and hors d’oeuvres set the stage for easy mingling.   In retrospect, I sure wish I had known how to “invite” a man I just met and liked to call me!  Just the other day, my girlfriend phoned me to bemoan the fact that she had just spent five hours sitting next to a dreamy guy on an airline flight with whom she enjoyed great conversation.  Now she’s kicking herself for not having such a card handy in her pocket or purse to give him afterwards!

A card is a simple technique, it’s tasteful, socially acceptable, and classy.  Maybe you’ll hear from the person, maybe not, but in no way have you lost face.  And because you’ve flattered the person you’ve handed your card to, they’re bound to say thank you.  Remember, you have to keep putting yourself out there and not wait for the world to come to you!  What are you waiting for?  Do you have a better idea?

And in case you’re wondering if I ever followed through with the “invitation” to call the attractive man at the hospital… The only reason I didn’t is because I was already involved in a serious committed relationship.  Had I not been, however, I most definitely would have contacted him.  You bet!  He was respectful, likeable, good-looking, and there’s no denying that we both felt chemistry.

So you just might want to remember these two magic sentences, “You know, I really enjoyed talking with you.  If you’d ever like to talk some more, please call me—I’d like that!”

Kelly Saracino is the Director of Public Relations for Colorado-based Quality Life Management (http://www.facebook.com/l/3e133TEEJbSMdYzuN-pieDOARUA/www.qlmllc.com) which operates 10 skilled care facilities, 3 assisted living communities, and 4 mental retardation/developmental disability residential homes. After becoming a licensed practical nurse in 1990, Kelly found her love of senior care propelled her up the management ladder. She has been involved in admissions, recruitment, multi-facility sales, and training.

Kelly graciously offered her insights on senior dating.

Do seniors in geriatric care centers date? How does it work?

I find that male residents in skilled care centers are far more interested in dating than the female residents; however, it is more common for the elderly men to vie for the attention of the younger staff.

When female residents are approached by males in the skilled setting, I have (on more than one occasion) noted that the female resident will scoff and state, “Oh please… I have had to take care of a man for ___years. I don’t need to do THAT again.” Having said that, I can recall occasions when true love seemed to prevail in these ‘golden years.’ (I also have some fond memories of a few nursing home-hosted wedding ceremonies.)

It is a wonderful thing to see such great friendships develop and sometimes things progress – if the chemistry is there. I can recall an elderly woman I cared for as a teenager. I used to share all of my secrets with her and one day I was about to tell her that my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss, I hesitated because I thought perhaps I shouldn’t tell her these things and I will never forget her words. She said, “Don’t ever feel that I am too old to tell me things. You have to remember that I am your age inside – I’m just stuck in this old body.” I have thought about this many times over the last twenty five years (especially when talking to my teenage children).

What do you see as the positives of senior dating?

Depression impacts seniors. The loss of loved ones, a disconnection with adult children, loss of work, etc. can lead to seniors losing their sense of purpose. Loneliness is a terrible experience to face (maybe more so in the senior years when facing your own mortality).

I think finding someone to socialize with helps reduce this isolation and depression. I have met men and women in elder years that have said, “It took me this long to finally meet the love of my life.”

Are there negatives or drawbacks to senior dating?

I think that sometimes seniors will accept terrible treatment from a new-found friend to avoid being alone. Of course, this can happen at any age.

What are some of the reasons seniors date?

I think people date for the same reasons at any age – friendship, companionship, love, physical attraction. My 72-year-old mother is still looking for love. She is trying to find someone that shares the same interests for companionship. It is also important to her that there is a “spark” (chemistry) and mutual attraction.

Do families ever have issues with their elders dating? If so, what are they and how do people deal with them?

I think families do have issues with elders dating. Particularly adult children of aging adults – maybe this is an inability to view their parent as an individual (not as “mom” or “dad”) or perhaps there are selfish motivations (time, money, etc.). On occasion, the family member may have an issue with an elder dating if it is an abusive or unhealthy situation and the family member poses objections out of love and concern.

Whatever the issue, it is always great to see families communicate with one another in a respectful manner to express concerns and feelings. Of course, this does not always occur. Family relationships are often in ruins due to disputes about “who is right.” Ultimately, family members need to respect the choices that the elder makes. After all, it is the elder’s life and he or she has the right to make his or her own decisions.

From the standpoint of a healthcare facility, is dating a positive or negative?

I think that the staff within any health care facility is happy to see seniors find friendship and love. It becomes problematic when family members try to intervene and are not supportive. It may also pose a problem if the relationship is not positive. If the relationship poses a threat to either person, the facility will intervene to ensure the safety and well-being of the resident (although this is not common).

I can remember one married couple that resided in a nursing home. She would become physically abusive towards her husband. With the support of their family, the nursing facility requested that they reside in neighboring rooms so that they could be together when both parties were agreeable, but provide a safe place for the husband to reside when things got rough. (This resolved the issue.)

What should a senior considering dating think about or know before diving in?

I think any senior should trust their instinct. Wisdom comes with age – listen to that inner voice. If something seems “not quite right,” proceed with caution. If a senior is fortunate enough to find someone they enjoy spending time with, I would suggest this – don’t over think things – enjoy yourself and each other.

Sociology Professor Emily Frydrych is a consultant for the University of California at Davis and Los Angeles Pierce College as well as an instructor for Missouri College, Westwood College, University of Phoenix and Ashford University.  Before recent cutbacks, Professor Frydrych was adjunct faculty for four years at the California State University -  Los Angeles and Northridge campuses. Among her other sociological specialties which include domestic violence and gender, Professor Frydrych specializes in the sociology of aging.

What are the benefits to dating for seniors?

Among other indicators, successful aging can be achieved by participating in meaningful activities. Dating can be a very enjoyable, meaningful and enriching experience in older age. While we often look at functional age – how people look and what they can do – subjective age identity is instead based on how old someone feels, which includes their activity level, and their health. When seniors date and when sparks fly, they tend to feel more alive, excited and vigorous. Dating can provide someone at any age companionship, travel partnership, passion, and love.

What are the biggest challenges seniors face in dating?

This all depends on what kinds of “seniors” we are discussing: the old, or the old-old.

For the “old-old”, agesim is a big factor. Stereotypes attributed to the elderly assume that they have lost romantic desire, and certainly their sex drive. This in turn sometimes contributes to an absence of programs to facilitate senior dating in the community, and in planned communities such as retirement homes and assisted livings.

Things have changed in the last few years though!

We are seeing many established programs for seniors, and certainly a great many online dating services specifically geared toward the senior demographic. But the stereotypes as asexual beings are still pretty strong, especially for the old-old.

This also poses a real threat to the community. Americans are living longer than ever, and having many sexual partners in later years of life following divorce or death of a spouse.

Today’s seniors don’t concern themselves with the risks of HIV and STDs like today’s youth. It’s extremely difficult for them now, after all these years to have to think about safe sex in their dating life. Practitioners in the community have to figure out ways to communicate the importance to people who weren’t raised thinking about safe sex. Seniors also have to break through the traditional privacy boundaries and taboos about sex, and know that it’s okay to ask questions.

Some challenges are being overcome. Twenty-five percent of all men are impotent by the time they reach age 65. However, with the advent and accessibility of pills like Viagra, erectile dysfunction is no longer a real impediment to a fulfilling sex life that they enjoyed in younger years.

If someone is older and lives alone, how should they approach getting into dating?

There are so many options out there today!

There are the “old school” ways like being set up through a mutual friend, or meeting through clubs and organizations. But in recent years, online dating has opened up a world of opportunity for seniors looking to re-enter the dating market.

There are hundreds of online dating services for seniors, where from the comfort of their own home they can search profiles and look for their ideal match. Some sites are geared for only those over a certain age-bracket looking for romance, travel companions or long-term relationships, while others market to seniors of any age as being a tool for finding a new marriage. Sites range in age brackets, and from causal daters to serious singles. While many sites require a monthly membership fee in order to create and search profiles, others are free of charge and provide access to thousands of users across the country.

An advantage to dating online is that it’s so easy to do from the comfort of one’s home, in a stress-free environment, particularly if it’s been many years since one has dated. If someone has been married for 40+ years, it can be extremely intimidating to jump into dating. Being able to sit at a computer and search profiles at one’s own speed, specify certain criteria, and send instant messages and emails to those that spark interest is both comfortable and empowering.

Many online dating sites for seniors also feature “advice columns” that may help put people at ease. Topics include issues like how to get back into the game, saying farewell to the past, the importance of exercising while dating, safety tips while dating, date ideas, romance and sex. These resources can make a real difference to out-of-practice daters reentering the dating scene. Users can also blog on these topics and leave comments – interacting with sites creates a nice sense of community they might need for support.

What’s a reasonable amount of time for a senior to wait after losing a spouse?

There’s no magical answer here…it depends of course on so many factors!

Depression is very common following the loss of a spouse. Depression is highest among those in their 80’s, followed by those in their 70’s.  Their depression can be due to changes in cognitive ability and social status, such as employment and income.

Of course it can also be a consequence of serious and painful loss of a loved one. Data shows that women tend to exhibit more depression than men, and that the gender gap increases with age. All of this can conspire to work against someone getting out and dating again.

Widows and widowers tend to find particular comfort in dating people in their same situation. Following divorce or widowhood, most used to meet through clubs or organizations, but now with online dating specifically geared to the senior demographic, they have new, effective options – which help draw them into dating.

Women have a much higher chance of becoming a widow than do men.  Men are far more likely to be married in later life than women because women outlive their spouses. In addition, widowed men are seven times more likely to remarry than widowed women. This of course, creates a huge imbalance in the heterosexual marriage market in later life.

When people don’t have families and career ahead of them, what becomes the focus of relationships?

Companionship, travel, and enjoying the community in which they live.

What should seniors consider when deciding whether or not to start dating?

Activity Theorists in the field of Social Gerontology posit that a person who ages “successfully” resists the shrinkage of her/his social world, and manages to stay active.  Normal aging, they argue, doesn’t have to mean, and shouldn’t mean, mutual withdrawal and disengagement that results in decreasing social interaction between the aging person and society. So get out there!

Photo via Peter Kaminski

One recent overexposure of senior dating has been the popularity of cougars.  The phenomena of cougars is quite interesting as it is the modern feminist movement in dating.  Society has accepted sugar daddies, older men who date younger women, but society is still unsure of the public opinion regarding cougars.  On the one hand, cougars make older women feel good even if they are not a cougar while on the other, it seems that women who like younger men have some sort of Oedipus complex.

Courtney Cox is the latest actress to show off her cougarness in her television show Cougar Town.  It is definitely a subject that many women (and men) are interested in.  Women who know how to take care of themselves and who do not give into the thought of age as a factor to slow down their libido are the perfect Cougar candidates.  Why date George Clooney when you can date Robert Pattison?  It is a legitimate question since younger in Cougar-land is always better and if you can get it, why not flaunt it?

Of course there are the arguments that everyone should date people that are in and around their age yet it seems that many people’s ages do not reflect their inner person.  You may be 21 but act like a 50 year old and there are 60 year olds that act like 16 year old boys and girls.  As an older woman, you may not want to be with an older man simply because he makes you feel old while inside you feel like you are in your twenties.  There is definitely a psychological element that factors into becoming a cougar.

To cash in on the craze more and more Cougar websites are popping up that encourage women senior dating with younger men.  basically, young men looking for older women create a profile where the two can get together.  There are even Cougar cruises where tickets are sold to young men and older women who are looking for love.  Is there anything wrong with being a cougar?  Absolutely not.  It is rather empowering for older women.  Plus, if marrying a younger man will make a woman look like Demi Moore, I think more women will start signing up for cougar websites and cruises.

Photo via Harlequeen

Going out on your first date is nerve wrecking but what is more frightening is if you are going to clinch that second date.  Many men take out all of their charm and lay it out to make a wonderful first impression.  As the first date comes to a close, you have made up your mind whether or not you are going to want to go out with this person again.  In the case that you do, there comes the moment of insecurity where you may not know exactly what your date is thinking.  However, you should have no fear.  With these dating tips, you will be able to achieve that second date.

• Show interest in your date.  Ask her questions, comment on what she says and create a lively conversation.  She does not want to feel like she is talking to the wall nor does she want you to steal away the spotlight.  Listen to what she has to say and show interest in her.  If you do not or cannot, then this may not be a person that you should go on a second date with.  But if you do, show her you care as this will be a deciding factor for her to go back out with you again.
• Steer clear of topics that make people feel uncomfortable such as politics, finance, religion or any other polemic topic.  Talk about your common points of interest and ask her questions if you do not know anything about what she is interested in.
• Calm yourself when it comes to compliments.  You do not want to be too overbearing when it comes to saying you’re so sweet, you’re so nice, I’d really to see you again, you’re so beautiful and so on.
• Women want to feel secure all of the time, so when the first date winds down, relieve her and say that you would like to see her again.  Once she knows that you want to, she is most likely going to say that she would as well.

In addition to these tips there are a few common courtesies that often turn into pet peeves that you should avoid.  Do not talk with your mouth full, speak very loud in quiet places and shut off your cell phone.  Women find it extremely rude to take calls during a date when all the focus should be on her.  Bringing people on your first date is a total buzz kill even if they are just coming to drop you off.  As long as the body language is positive, then you can be assured that you will achieve that second date.

After being married for a long period of time, you may think dating is over.  Then, you get stuck in a messy divorce and you wind up alone.  You know you don’t want to be alone and you are still young so it is time to get back onto the dating scene.  You may have some issues because of self confidence, children or just not being sure if you are ready to go back to dating.  Having such insecurities is normal.  The best thing to have in mind is not to pressure yourself.  Just because you go on a few dates, it does not mean that you are obligated to stay with this person.  Take the time to play the field and really have fun.

You are not in your 20s where you are looking for someone to build a life with.  You are in your 40s looking for someone to share your life with.  You do not need anyone to support you financially or change your way of life.  You are simply looking for companionship that one day may turn into something long lasting and beautiful.  Your children may already be out of the house so they will not interrupt your dating life as younger children may.  You may also find that your children are rather supportive of your desire to meet someone new.  Remember dating after divorce is about your happiness.

Where to Start Dating?

You have made the decision to start dating again but you may be discouraged because you are not quite sure as to where to start.  The first place to start is with yourself.  Is there anyone who you are interested in?  Is there anyone interested in you who you may like to go out with?  Chemistry will never steer you wrong.  If you feel strongly about someone, you have a better probability of hitting it off with this person than with a stranger.

Blind Dating Gone Easy

Nevertheless, the infamous blind dating can be quite dreadful or surprisingly rewarding.  Your friends are an excellent resource.  They know you, what you like, your interests and they know other single people and what they are in to.  Therefore, your friends could be the perfect matchmakers for those who are dating over the age of 40.  This will also avoid having to go to bars and singles parties which may make one feel a little out of place.  This is also a very safe connection as you know someone who knows the person you will be going out with.  To take the pressure off, you can go out with the friends that are introducing you.

Online Dating

Online dating is another wonderful resource.  You will be able to put up a profile of what you are interested in and browse through the profiles of others.  Some companies even make matches for you of the people who may make a wonderful couple based on hobbies, likes and dislikes.  You will be able to connect with this person through email, messenger and even video calling before going out together.

There are many ways to meet someone but it is up to you to make that step.  Many people go through a divorce and you may even meet people who have been through exactly what you went through which can be a relief for many who are coming back to the dating scene.