Jan Fowler is a television producer/host, national speaker, and award-winning columnist on senior topics.  She is both widowed and divorced, has done considerable dating, and takes great pleasure in discussing the serious relationship she now enjoys with a gentleman whom she met in a ballroom dance class at a local senior citizens’ center.  Look for her book, Hot Chocolate for Seniors, featuring more than 100 heartwarming, humorous, inspiring stories—including a chapter devoted to real-life stories about senior love and romance—due out soon (Balboa Press, a Division of Hay House).  www.janfowler.com or jan@janfowler.com

All right, so you’ve decided the time has come to seek love, romance, and companionship for yourself.  Good for you!  But please don’t be upset or shocked if you discover that your family or friends aren’t as supportive of your decision to date as you had expected.  They may feel jealous, threatened, or are still grieving the loss of your former mate.  Please don’t argue with them.  Be respectful of their feelings and opinions–just don’t compromise your own decisions.

And whether we’re widowed or divorced, bear in mind that part of dating involves our willingness to make a fresh start.  At first, it’s easy to be deluded into believing we might find an exact replacement—a mirror image—of our former mate (in the event that there was one), who holds the same set of values, ethics, and code of behaviors which we had become so accustomed to.  Nope. We must accept new people for who they are.

It’s also important to remain open to meeting a “match” just by going through the course of our routine activities.  Just because we’ve signed up on a dating site or matchmaking service doesn’t mean we need limit our thinking.  After all, Bob met Martha while waiting for their luggage at the Southwest baggage claim.  Fifteen minutes of casual conversation was all they needed to spark some chemistry!  That was nearly ten years ago and today they’re happily celebrating their ninth anniversary.  But even more astonishing is how fate brought Jim and Marianne together.  Can you imagine—the two met on a flat tire!  All he did was stop to help her out on the shoulder of a busy highway, then follow her to safety.

Hmm…could that mean we should take pride in our appearance everywhere we go?  Which, in turn, raises such questions as… And might it be time for a trim or a haircut?  A more stylish wardrobe?  A newer more updated look?  Or a trip to the fitness center to firm and tone unwanted bulges?  Think about it.  But in the meantime, here are some important rules of senior dating etiquette for us to consider:

~ Ladies, regardless of how you met the gentleman, always allow him to call you for the first

date.

~ If you’re meeting face-to-face for the very first time, for goodness sakes, be considerate.

Don’t be late!  Avoid raising your date’s anxiety level with the sinking feeling that you

might be a “no-show”.  Being prompt speaks well for your character.

~ Choose a public place, such as a coffee house, restaurant, or library in which to meet.

(Lunch or coffee are more casual and less intimate than dinner.)  Offer to pay for your

own food or beverage.  And you might casually mention that you have another

commitment afterwards so you have a polite excuse to leave.

~ Avoid rude behavior such as getting drunk, flirting with others, texting or talking on your

cell phone.

~ Speak with confidence and not about the fact that you’re a nervous wreck inside!  Smile!  Be

upbeat and pleasant, even if you’re disappointed in your date.

~ Never talk on and on about your former mate, regardless of how wonderful you say they

were (or how awful).  State the facts about your past, but be clear that you’re now ready to

open a new chapter in your life.

~ Men, it’s always gentlemanly to call to thank the lady afterwards.  Ladies, following the first

date, please allow the man to take the initiative.  But if you liked him, it’s perfectly okay to

send him a text or email saying that you enjoyed yourself.

~ Use common sense, folks.  Never reveal personal information, such as the dollar amount

of your pension.  Even if you think you’re with the most trusted person in the world, never

mix love and money!

Next issue, we’ll discuss one easy way to invite a man or woman whom you’d like to hear from to give you a call.

When my friend’s mother passed away a couple of years ago from a horrible bout with cancer, I had never seen anyone more heartbroken than my friend’s father.  His wife had been the love of his life and though their marriage had the typical ups and downs like any marriage, they were the real deal.  True soul mates in every sense.  So when my friend told me that in recent weeks, her father decided to check out a senior dating website, I was slightly surprised.  But not completely.

This man is one of the most romantic men I have ever met and obviously he and his departed wife discussed the fact that he should not spend the rest of his life mourning for her.  After a couple of years of being alone and mourning his loss, he was tired of being alone.  He met several lovely women on a senior dating website, but one in particular caught his fancy.  Though it had been literally a lifetime ago that he had dated and pursued another woman other than his beloved wife, he was a natural.  My friend was amused and slightly aghast at watching her father make his “moves.”  On the other hand, she realized it was the healthiest thing for him to do.  It was time for him to move on.

The change in my friend’s father since he has started romancing this new woman is astounding.  He is back to his old self and it is very clear that he is happier than he has been in a long time.  He did admit to feel a bit guilty when he discovered he had strong feelings for this new woman, but he was able to talk it out with his grown children, friends and family.  He realized it was natural to feel like he was “cheating” on his wife; but also knew, in the end, it was psychologically healing to find a new companion.

He wined and dined this new gal of his, and seemed to regain the youthful quality he had lost when his wife had been in the throes of battling her cancer.  He was like a teenager again, and it was adorable to watch him and his new lady hold hands, sneak kisses and embrace as often as they possibly could.  Everyone was happy to see he had found someone worthy of his generosity, love and affection.  No one could fill the shoes of his wife, and this new woman, to her credit, didn’t try.  But she was lovely and they obviously enjoyed each other’s company tremendously.

Romance has no age or time limit.  It can sweep in when you least expect it to, and heal you from previously horrendous challenges.  I am thrilled that my friend’s father has been able to release the grief over losing his wife and find joy, love and romance in the arms of a truly wonderful woman.

Photo via bayan160

When you reach a certain age, that number should start to be irrelevant.  You’re older and wiser and that’s all anyone ever really needs to know.  If you’re proud of your age, shout it from the rooftops.  If it’s something you’d rather not discuss, that is certainly your prerogative.  Senior dating should be no different.  Gone are the days when the woman should be younger than the man, and in the scheme of things, does it really matter?  If there is mutual compatibility between two people and you can take some of the loneliness out of each other’s lives, then what’s the difference what number your driver’s license says you are?

If you’re stopping yourself from visiting a senior dating website because you don’t feel it is age appropriate, think again.  It’s difficult for anyone who is no longer in college to meet new people.  The Internet is one of the best ways for you to meet people you wouldn’t normally meet and find mutual interests that you can share together.  Age should have nothing to do with it.

Obviously, if you are hoping to find a long-term relationship with someone, age will definitely play a role.  People in the same generation usually have more shared interests; but remember there will be plenty of people your own age now dating online too.  Multiple websites for dating seniors are abundant and based upon your own unique interests, you will certainly find a site that is right for you.

If you meet someone you hit it off with, that should be the most important thing.  There are plenty of women out there dating men significantly younger than they are.  The point is, if the relationship is successful and offers the two people in the relationship some happiness and camaraderie, then you should never worry what other people might be saying.  Finding happiness within a relationship is a very individual thing; everyone’s needs are different.  So put away the doubt and worry and find yourself a senior dating site that has members that appeal to you. Create your own dynamic online profile and start reading the many other profiles that await you. You never know who you may meet regardless of their age.  These are your golden years; have fun and enjoy yourself.  And hopefully, you won’t have to be alone anymore.

The last thing that may be on your mind after your spouse passes away is to start senior dating.  Obviously, going through the grieving process is essential and you’ll need to surround yourself with the support and love of your friends and family.  Time does indeed heal all wounds, and eventually as you mourn your loss, you may begin to feel lonely.  Dating doesn’t have to necessarily lead to romance and marriage.  But it can help you bridge the gap between marriage and being widowed.  Looking for someone to share activities with might actually help you get over the loss of your loved one.

Many people feel guilty when they start dating after their spouse has died.  There is no reason to feel guilt.  If you do, you may want to join a support group to discuss these feelings.  It’s perfectly natural to feel alone and scared and you may not be willing to start dating.  However, many of the people you will meet on senior dating websites have been through this exact same thing.  They know what it’s like to lose their loved one and they know the loneliness that comes with being alone after being married for such a long time.

If you do decide you are ready to start dating, keep things very simple and casual.  Find an activity partner; someone you can go to dinner or the movies with.  Someone to play cards with or simply take a walk or enjoy a workout together.  If you meet someone in your similar situation, you will have plenty of things to discuss and talk about and you can mutually support each other through this difficult period.

Don’t ever try to force yourself to do something you’re not ready to do.  And remember that by dating someone new, does not mean you loved your spouse any less.  But life goes on and you have to find a way to adjust to this new phase of your life.  Why do it alone? If you are nervous or scared to begin dating again, find a friend or couple who would be willing to double date with you.

Rebecca Barker is a PhD level Speech Language Pathologist who has dedicated more than 20 years to working with geriatric patients. She has managed rehabilitation programs in skilled nursing facilities in Washington and Arizona and has served as a clinical speech specialist, supporting treatment of the elderly for 32 skilled nursing facilities. Here’s what Dr. Barker has to day on dating in the golden years.

What do seniors look for in a late-in-life relationship?

Companionship.

What tends to de-rail a senior romantic relationship?

Several things. Sticking one’s nose in the partner’s family business and affairs, attempting to control the partners finances, ill health that exceeds the partners ability to manage. Grown children frequently interfere and try to derail the relationship for a variety of reasons but a biggie is that they don’t want anyone “taking Mommy/Daddy’s place” or money.

Why are seniors hesitant to date?

Their last partner was an ass. They don’t feel desirable any more. It takes too much effort.  Their grown children frown on it.

Do seniors who have relationships do better in nursing homes and assisted livings?

Everyone who has relationships does better – in or out of a nursing home or assisted living facility. Residents of facilities are sadly, given more attention by the health care workers if family and friends are frequent visitors.

What is different about dating for seniors than for younger people?

Death is not as likely…  But seriously, demeaning attitudes and comments by others.  I hear, “That is disgusting,” ”How silly,” “No fool like an old fool,” and the condescending, “Aren’t they cute?”  For seniors in a facility, private time is likely more difficult to find with caretakers, family and staff overseeing every moment.  Also, they’re hampered by a lack of independence – reliance on others to orchestrate visits, etc.

What should seniors watch out for when dating?

Scams. An 85 year old male friend of mine was scammed by a little snippet and was in danger of financial disaster. They need to be sensitive to their family member concerns about the relationship while maintaining some autonomy.  It can be a bit of a balancing act.

Are facilities supportive of residents dating? Why or why not?

It depends. If the resident has designated someone with power of attorney – and that person says “No Way,” then the facility does its best to keep the two apart. If there is no designated power of attorney, and the facility has reason to believe that both partners have enough marbles to consent, then they can’t disallow the relationship.

What advice would you give to a senior who is considering getting back out there?

Same as I would a younger person: take care of your heart and your pocketbook.

Photo via Assessment Tool Shop

There are plenty of singles out in the world who like their single status.  It’s nice to be independent; to do things on your own timetable and live the life you always wanted to live unencumbered.  However, some activities are better when you have someone to share them with.  You don’t need to be looking for the love of your life, but senior dating can provide many of us with companionship when we simply would rather not do certain things on our own.

If you are interested in a casual relationship, you need to let your dating partner know up front that this is the type of connection you are looking for.  It might become awkward if you begin to date someone who is hoping for something more long-term and meaningful.  If you let your date know immediately that you are only interested in an activity partner or a traveling companion, this will get rid of any preconceived notions right from the start.  If your date is looking for more than what you are willing to offer, they can simply move on and no one’s heart will get stomped on.

Eventually, after meeting a compatible person, you may begin to think differently.  Again, this is something you should immediately discuss with your partner.  Perhaps you find yourself developing feelings for your new date and you might realize you want something more than just a casual partner.  It’s wonderful when you are on the same page with your new guy or gal, and you can come to some type of agreement as to how you want to proceed with the relationship.

It’s always best to start off slow when it comes to dating.  It’s important to get to know a person, and develop trust and camaraderie before deciding what direction you want the relationship to take.  Starting off as friends and engaging in social activities is the best way to get to know someone.  But always keep the lines of communication open.  You want to make sure you both feel the same way and no one will get hurt feelings if you opt to keep things casual.

Communication is the most essential element in any type of relationship; whether it is friendship or romance.  Keep those lines of communication open and learn to enjoy each other’s company as you develop your association.  As we get older, it’s important to stay active and social so whatever happens, senior dating will help you meet new people from all walks of life and will help to enhance your quality of life.

Photo via blackwomen333

You should never back down from finding love even if you are 50 or older.  Senior dating is one of the biggest fields of dating that exist.   Women senior daters are generally very healthy, in a good financial situation and know exactly what they want.  There is no time that needs to be wasted so when you hop onto a senior dating site, you can find the men that you want to date not the leftovers.  Senior dating can be an empowering experience that you should not shy away from as an older woman.  This is your prime time to shine, so find a new love at this wonderful new stage of your life.

There was a time when being 50 was being over the hill.  But this new generation of women are showing the world that being 50 is a blessing.  Some women have never looked or felt so great in their entire lives.  These women are in charge of their destiny and have had a major contribution to their household over the years.  You are a decision maker.  Joining a dating site will be one of the best decisions that you will make.

Being with an older woman is great for various reasons:

• She knows exactly what she is looking for in a relationship.
• She looks forward to her future instead of dwelling on her past.  There is something to be gained for every experience.
• Her health and fitness is important
• She is economically independent.

For some men, this is the perfect woman.  So if you are having any hesitation about whether a man would be interested in you, you should rest assure that there will be plenty of interest in you.  At first senior dating online can be a bit intimidating but it is truly a wonderful experience.  If you find yourself looking for another adventure in your life or just a way to meet new people then this can be a great to boost your social life.

There can be a lot of regret in life but don’t make dating one of them.  Even if you weren’t keen on dating in the first place, you might see with time, that senior dating is nothing like what it was in high school and college.  Give it a try and discover love later in life.

Photo via kackiejane

For some senior dating men it is very easy to find a younger woman and click with her.  For others, it is a fleeting dream.  So what makes the difference between a successful and unsuccessful senior dater?  There may not be a specific reason why you guys do not click but there are definitely certain things you can do to improve your chances of being successful.  You have to keep these tips in mind because they can really determine the success of a senior dating relationship with a younger woman.

The first thing you have to do is eliminate almost all of your dating skills of the past.  If they have not worked recently on the younger generation, then it is time to exchange your old skills for new ones.  Then you have to determine whether you are looking for a long term and stable relationship or not.  Most younger women date older men because they are looking for this type of commitment.  They want a mature, older man who can address their needs.  If you don’t know what their needs are then you might be out of luck.  Here are a few tips to show you exactly what younger women want from older men:

• She wants to know that she is with a gentleman.  Don’t be afraid to open the door for her, pick up the check and do other things that will assure her that she is with a perfect gentleman that respects her wishes.
• Listening is huge.  If you don’t listen, you won’t have a chance.  When you listen to a woman, she interprets this as being an equal in the relationship and what she has to say is important.  The only way to grow a rock solid relationship is to listen to her.
• Giving because you care.  Whether you have dated her for a month or 10 years, you should always show your lady that she is important.  Show her that you are thinking about her with a card.  There does not have to be a special occasion, just do something nice that will make her feel special to be with you.
• Don’t be Afraid to be affectionate with her in public.  Women like to be affectionate in public.  They want to show the world that they are in love but what is more special is when you make that initiative.  Get in there and hold her hand, embrace her, you can even sneak in a few kisses.

If you can show her this type of respect and fine tune your senior dating skills, you will be prepared for success in dating younger women.

Honesty is the most important factor while entering into a senior dating relationship.  At this stage of life you should be comfortable with yourself.  You should know what you want in life and what you want in a partner.  Younger daters have the tendency to embellish about themselves in order to impress another person regardless of who that person is.  Younger daters also have the tendency to date based on looks and the qualities of the person do not really matter such as personality, generosity, honesty, creativity, etc.

Senior daters have passed this stage and are looking for the qualities of a person that make them feel good, that make them feel wholesome again.  If you cannot live life without a smile, why would you choose someone who is plagued by depressing thoughts and can never make you laugh?  Honesty is important from the start in any relationship but with senior daters it seems like everything should be laid out on the table instead of making your partner discover it.  Honesty is one of the most admirable characteristics in someone so if you want to be with the person that you are seeing, honesty is the best policy to live by.

Honesty should be applied from day one which means on your dating profile you should be honest about yourself.  You should never put up old photos of yourself on your profile or lie about your age.  By proud of who you are and what you want in life.  If you know the kind of person that you do not want by your side then you should put down these characteristics in your profile because you should not have to waste your valuable time.

Honesty does not mean that you should tell people your social security code and where you live.  It simply means that when you rely information about yourself it should be the truth.  If you feel uncomfortable telling certain pieces of information then you should state that you are not yet ready to share this information with the person you are seeing.  If they are asking intense questions about finance, it is always better to move on.  If you stay honest, you will stay in a happy and healthy relationship.

Photo via seedmoney1

While you should definitely let your partner know as soon as possible that you have children, an in-person meeting should only occur if and when the relationship becomes serious enough for long-term potential. Make sure your significant other is completely committed to you before introducing them to your children. Children form bonds quickly, making them very vulnerable to potential disappointment. A man or woman who comes in and then out, can cause as much stress on a kid as your initial separation or divorce from their other parent.

If you have firmly established that your relationship is one focused on lasting commitment, it may be time to bring the kids into the relationship with you. But before you do so, read our tips below to make the process as smooth as possible.

Reassure you kids—Before mentioning your guy or gal, you should hold a conversation alone with your children. Since children fear abandonment, assert that you are 100% committed to them above all else.

Allow them to ask questions—Your conversation should not be a lecture; you need to pay attention to how your children are reacting and allow them to assess and respond. Be sure to answer everything they ask honestly so that they are completely prepared and feel they can trust you.

Share your enthusiasm—Prior to spilling the beans, ask your children what they see happening for the family in the future and if they picture someone else joining it. Tell them how important this person has become to you and how much you think they would add to you and your children’s life.

No ultimatums—Do not make it seem like you’re asking your children to approve of your partner or jump head first into loving them. Simply say you love the person and think that they will grow to as well. Explain that this will be a learning process for all of you and will ultimately be something that will make your bond with them stronger.

Don’t rush—After speaking with your kids, give them some time to digest and really understand the situation before the actual introduction. Allow them to notice if and how you are different now that you’ve found someone great. If they see how wonderful the person makes you feel, they’ll be more likely to keep an open mind come meeting time.

Do something informal—You want everyone to feel comfortable, so pick an activity that will put your family at ease. A formal dinner at your home may make both your kids and your partner feel like they have to have deep, meaningful conversation. The goal should be to let the relationship progress slowly and organically. You can even let your kids choose the location.

Brief your partner—Tell your significant other to curb their enthusiasm—extreme zeal may cause your children to distrust your partner and potentially think that he/she is trying to take over the family. Also advise them against displays of affection toward you or discipline toward your children. Even years after a separation or divorce, most children harbor the hope that you’ll get back with their parent. Seeing someone playing that role can be very damaging if not introduced gradually.

Don’t force an after-the-meeting conversation—When your children want to tell you how they feel about your partner they will. Pushing them to do so too soon, will only cause them to form a snap judgment that will inform their take on the person thereafter. It may also cause them to resent you for putting so much pressure on them.

The bottom line: don’t rush; constantly reassure; and avoid pressuring your child in any way. Storybook endings usually don’t happen over night—like all meaningful things in life, it takes time, patience and work.

Photo via Orin Zebest