Rebecca Barker is a PhD level Speech Language Pathologist who has dedicated more than 20 years to working with geriatric patients. She has managed rehabilitation programs in skilled nursing facilities in Washington and Arizona and has served as a clinical speech specialist, supporting treatment of the elderly for 32 skilled nursing facilities. Here’s what Dr. Barker has to day on dating in the golden years.
What do seniors look for in a late-in-life relationship?
Companionship.
What tends to de-rail a senior romantic relationship?
Several things. Sticking one’s nose in the partner’s family business and affairs, attempting to control the partners finances, ill health that exceeds the partners ability to manage. Grown children frequently interfere and try to derail the relationship for a variety of reasons but a biggie is that they don’t want anyone “taking Mommy/Daddy’s place” or money.
Why are seniors hesitant to date?
Their last partner was an ass. They don’t feel desirable any more. It takes too much effort. Their grown children frown on it.
Do seniors who have relationships do better in nursing homes and assisted livings?
Everyone who has relationships does better – in or out of a nursing home or assisted living facility. Residents of facilities are sadly, given more attention by the health care workers if family and friends are frequent visitors.
What is different about dating for seniors than for younger people?
Death is not as likely… But seriously, demeaning attitudes and comments by others. I hear, “That is disgusting,” ”How silly,” “No fool like an old fool,” and the condescending, “Aren’t they cute?” For seniors in a facility, private time is likely more difficult to find with caretakers, family and staff overseeing every moment. Also, they’re hampered by a lack of independence – reliance on others to orchestrate visits, etc.
What should seniors watch out for when dating?
Scams. An 85 year old male friend of mine was scammed by a little snippet and was in danger of financial disaster. They need to be sensitive to their family member concerns about the relationship while maintaining some autonomy. It can be a bit of a balancing act.
Are facilities supportive of residents dating? Why or why not?
It depends. If the resident has designated someone with power of attorney – and that person says “No Way,” then the facility does its best to keep the two apart. If there is no designated power of attorney, and the facility has reason to believe that both partners have enough marbles to consent, then they can’t disallow the relationship.
What advice would you give to a senior who is considering getting back out there?
Same as I would a younger person: take care of your heart and your pocketbook.
Photo via Assessment Tool Shop
